Saturday, December 6, 2008

$%&* Elf

Elf on the Shelf

Bridget has been wanting an "elf," just like all her buddies. As you also may know, I was utterly clueless as to what this elf is/does. So, I called some other mommies, they enlightened me.

Bridget has wanted an elf SO BAD. She has written to Santa politely requesting and elf. She has made a BED for him. She has BIG PLANS to show the elf the wonders of Her World.

I searched high and low for ANY $%&* elf that could take up residence in our home and do mischief. You'd think I could find a $%&# elf.

There are shelves full of santas. Shelves full of angels. Shelves full of snowmen. But no $&%$ elves.

Paula clued me in and steered me towards Celebrations. I stomped in there and grumpily demanded "Do you have a $%&$ elf?" The ladies laughed knowingly and said yes, they still had a few $%&# elves left and presented me with a box.

OMIGAWSH. How lucky was I???? And actual "Elf on the Shelf" boxed set. I never expected such a find this late in the game. I was fully prepared to wing it with any old elf I could find. But I only have a few years of this wonderful innocence left, and was glad to shell out THIRTY DOLLARS for the $%&# elf.

I snuck it in the house. Ray and I discussed and strategized how to deploy the $%&# elf. He magically turned up while we were decorating the Christmas tree with the kids.

Bridget excitedly sat down and read the BOOK. I mean, how LUCKY was I to get a BOOK?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE BOOK SAYS????? You are not to TOUCH the elf! Bridget immediately dissolved into a sobbing puddle of tears, such was her disappointment at being unable to touch the $%&# elf. She LOVES the #$%&@ elf! She wants to CARRY the $%&# elf! She wants to SLEEP WITH the $%@& elf!

Crying! Huges sobs, giant tears! While we are supposed to be the Happy Family decorating the tree!

%^&# elf.

Sigh. And so.... another letter was duly dispatched to Santa. Could Bridget PLEASE touch the $&^&* elf? Hold it? Hug it? Sleep with it? Santa quickly replied, holding and hugging is OK, no co-sleeping, as it will interfere with the %^&# elf's ability to return to the North Pole each night. And also it's ability, by the way, to wreak havoc on my home and KEEP UP WITH ALL THE OTHER $%&$ ELVES in the creativity and magnitude of it's mischief.

$%&% elf.

Merry $%&# Christmas.

#$&% elf.


Carolyn said...

Love that you are going through this before me ! Was thinking I was a bad mommy for not "letting " an elf visit, but now I think otherwise! Merry @#$%^^ Christmas.


Cathy West said...

Maybe you need to shell out another $30 for a 2nd elf, one to touch and one to not touch. What silliness!

my so-called life said...

it is even funnier the second and third time i read it.....ha...YOU ROCK!


Shonda Little said...

Hell Yeah~